Desperate times

Desperate times...this is serious.

The IHOP in Idaho Falls was robbed Monday morning. For those who aren't into acronyms, that is the International House of Pancakes. Several banks in Idaho Falls were robbed last year. In fact the bank I use was robbed last year. But robbing banks is so...so...2009. It just isn't fashionable. Robbing a bank now is a bigger social gaffe than wearing white after Labor Day.

This year's fashionable robber is out knocking off IHOP's. This was one of those slick, sophisticated operations like we saw in the movie 'Ocean's 11'. The planning was meticulous and precise. It was hit first thing in the morning which happens to be the time of day when people generally patronize an IHOP which would guarantee a lot of witnesses. For the record, the perp got away in an old car with the trunk held down by two bungee cords. I think the ratty old car was a decoy. I think his Ferrari was probably hidden a few blocks away.

I have it on good authority that it happened something like this:

Perp walks into the restaurant. Perp glances around. A few old guys drinking coffee and swapping lies. A few patrons browsing through their morning papers. A seasoned waitress in a white apron refilling coffee cups and calling customers "Hon". An old cook in the back assembling the 'special of the day'. A few dollars and some change in the till and a few bucks in tips. Bingo!

Perp slips on an Aunt Jemima mask, grabs a bottle of Mrs. Butterworths syrup, points a gun at Mrs Butterworth's head and threatens to blow her to pieces if people don't do exactly what he says. He then demands the waitress start filling the bag. "Do it quick", he snarls.

She nervously corrects him: "When used as an adverb the correct word should be 'quickly'"

He makes a mental note of the fact and urges her to fill the bag.

She fills the bag. Into the bag go the little containers of Smucker's jam, the sticky little containers of honey, and the pouches of low fat non-dairy creamer. Being thorough and calculating he scoops up the mint toothpicks and a couple of ketchup bottles and drops them in the bag. He's ruthless. It is tempting to hang around and wait for a fresh crepe, but he knows the silent alarm will have been sounded and the police will be en route.

Time to get in the decoy car and disappear. Bolstered by his brazen success a new plan begins to form as he drives past Denny's.

Yeah, this isn't the sleepy little town it used to be. Serious crime has arrived. Just the other day I saw graffiti painted all over a haystack. Punks.

HaPpY New Year!

It wouldn't be New Year's without New Year's resolutions. I'll share mine.

I resolve not to: take up smoking, get a cat, wear pink, watch American Idol, listen to opera or Oprah, buy a hybrid car, get a piercing, watch the WNBA, eat broccoli, listen to anything that Al Gore says, grow a mullet, start a Ponzi scheme, twitter, sell Amway, show up on a TSA "watch list", accept bowling as a legitimate sport, buy carbon offsets, feel sorry for Tiger Woods, wear suspenders, become schizophrenic, imitate the balloon boy stunt, or outdo the Octomom.

I resolve to maintain or possibly elevate my current levels of sarcasm, cynicism and general overall snarkiness.

Ambitious, I know...but I think I can do it!

I was scanning through the New Year's Eve programs on TV last night and caught about 10 seconds of the program with Dick Clark. Or was that Old Father Time, I'm not sure. Dick Clark was old when I was a teenager. I think he has passed his "use by" date. I have a theory. I believe Dick Clark has been dead for several years and Jeff Dunham is moving his mouth and voicing his lines. If you are really into conspiracy theory I think the same might be true of Nancy Pelosi.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

I swiped this photo (yeah, yeah, go ahead and prosecute me...) from a newsletter I received from a travel company.

The stockings were hung from the palm tree with care in hopes that some sunscreen soon would be there. And us in our swimsuits each wearing a red cap had just settled into the sand for an afternoon nap...

(I smell a Pulitzer Prize for poetry coming my way for that snappy little piece of prose.)

Hoping the new year brings all good things. Honestly, 2009 has been nothing to brag about so 2010 wouldn't have to be all that good to be heckuva lot better. Here's hoping.

Merry Christmas to all.

You're going to become a what??

An acquaintance of mine told me today that he is going to become a pescetarian as of the beginning of the new year. (Pescetarian is someone who only eats fish and vegetables.) He told me that before the new year starts, he plans to go to some restaurants and eat some really big steaks.

Presumably becoming a pescetarian is something one does based on a conviction that eating red meat is bad. My own opinion about eating red meat is that it is bad...if you don't have the right seasonings and of course it needs to be done to a nice light pink at the very center. And a baked potato and some A1 sauce really top it off nicely. But, i digress...

Anyway, a couple of things don't add up here. First of all if this is something your really believe in wouldn't it make sense to begin immediately, not at some point in the future? Wouldn't this be similar to an alcoholic getting fall-down drunk the day before he plans to give up the bottle forever? Or maybe it's like the excesses of Mardi Gras before the deprivation of Lent begins. I dunno.

And the second thing I really don't understand is why it would be morally acceptable to kill a fish, but morally repugnant to kill a cow. That line of logic has always amused me. Whatever.

I'm going to ponder this some more while I digest the Subway Chicken cordon Bleu sandwich I had for dinner tonight. I highly recommend it. Or the Philly cheese steak sandwich. Both are really good.

Street corner beggars

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I'm going there anyway. Man the torpedoes and full speed ahead.

I've noticed something. Three times in the past six or eight weeks I've seen the same guy standing on the same street corner holding the same sign declaring him to be homeless, jobless, and in need of money...with "God Bless You" lettered on the bottom of the sign for good measure. Yes, I am absolutely positive it is the same person.

He hangs out at a very busy intersection. You can't miss him. I always find myself hoping I'll make it through the light and not be the first car that has to stop and wait through a whole traffic light rotation while he stands ten feet away and shuffles back and forth from foot to foot to try to stay warm.

In a bit of irony, yesterday I saw two guys working the same intersection. They were on opposite corners. Each looked shabby and carried the requisite cardboard sign. One even had a little dog wearing a bandanna around its neck. The dog sat on the ground and waited patiently. How does competition affect the begging business?

I can't really come to grips with why seeing these folks makes me so uncomfortable. I feel threatened. Not a physical threat. Not that at all. It's more like the threat of finding out that I'm a sham. I claim to be a Christian, but does ignoring a beggar make me a fraud? I do believe there are multiple Biblical references to taking care of the beggars, the poor, etc. But I'm also a jaded cynic and generally distrust human nature. It might just be a big con game.

Before I smash my piggy bank and help one of these folks out, there are some questions and thoughts ricocheting around in my head:

• Are they legitimate?
• Does it matter?
• If I insist on knowing if they are legitimate, am I putting myself in the position of judge?
• I've read articles about people doing some research on "beggars" and they found some of them to be making a pretty good living. One in particular I remember reading about was in Phoenix. The "beggar" was found to be knocking down in excess of 100K per year.
• If it is just a way to make a living (and maybe even a good one) is it fair for them to make that kind of money and pay no taxes. I certainly pay my share of taxes. Am I obligated to support an under-the-radar business enterprise?
• Does giving money only encourage further begging?
• Does giving money fuel alcoholism if they are legitimate?
• I've heard well meaning people say the answer is to offer to buy them food. Honestly, I'm not going to get that involved. I'm not a selfish person, but I'm not altruistic enough to get that involved.
• If I throw my change in the Salvation Army kettle does that suffice for penance for not giving money to the corner beggars?
• What if I ignore the Salvation Army kettle and try not to make eye contact with the bell ringers?
• Where do beggars get the money to buy markers to letter their signs?
• I talked to someone once who watched another person give a street corner beggar a dollar and then after the donor turned and left he saw the beggar add the dollar to a pretty big roll of bills.
• Are the words "God Bless You" and the little dog with the bandanna just props in a well staged ruse?
• If they were really homeless, wouldn't they use the money to get out of here and go someplace warm? It was about -20 degrees here last night. Or does the extreme cold help people to give more generously?

I don't know the answer or answers. I don't dole out money to beggars, even though I experience discomfort when I see them. I wonder if the discomfort comes from that little voice way back in my head that wonders if my life could ever get so bad that I could end up being that beggar on the corner. I do on occasion donate my change to the red Salvation Army kettle. That's going to have to do for now.

Life is difficult

Sometimes life is difficult. Really, really difficult.

• A lady I talked to on Thursday told me she and her husband are looking forward to a quiet Christmas this year. At first glance that sounds nice. But then she added that the reason it will be quiet is because her two youngest children will both be in jail over the holiday for repeated possession of drugs. Wow. I can't think of a more thoughtful gift two children could give their parents.

• A long time ago we knew a couple that was expecting a baby at the same time we were expecting our first baby. In fact the due dates were quite close. We moved away, time marched on, and I don't think I ever thought about that family again until last week. Last week the mom was hiking by herself up the Angels Landing trail in Zions National Park in Utah and fell off the 1000 ft. cliff to her death.

Sad and tragic stuff always seems much more sad and tragic when it happens during the Christmas season.

All of that should make my own problems seem trivial. But it doesn't.

Sometimes life is difficult. Really, really difficult.

braying pack of donkeys

I just happened to catch a replay of a clip from the daytime program, The View. You know the one where Whoopi Goldberg, Barbara Walters, et al, pretend they are really important and delude themselves into thinking anyone really cares about their opinions. I've probably never seen more than 10 minutes of this program, but honestly, it's like watching a pack of braying donkeys.

As proof I offer the following. They were debating the political correctness of referring to the day after Thanksgiving as "Black Friday". I'm not making this up. They seemed almost embarrassed and uncomfortable referring to the day as "Black Friday". Cue the donkey sound...HEEEHAAAW, HEEEHAAW.

I'll tell you what...civilization as we know it is in serious jeopardy.

How is it possible that we have devolved into a country where abortion is widely accepted, but referring to 'Black Friday" is debated for political correctness?

Beam me up Scotty...intelligent life is in serious decline on this planet.

Things that go bump under my car.

I ran over a raccoon.

No, really. That's not some metaphor about life. I ran over a stupid raccoon. Obviously stupid because it chose to exercise some sort of kamikaze tendency and hurl itself in front of my speedy sedan on a dark highway. Unavoidable. CLUNK! CLUNK! Over in a split second.

Not to be indelicate here, but I've driven a lot of miles in my life and in all those miles I've creamed a few cats, at least one skunk, a squirrel or two, some birds, and unfortunately a couple of dogs. Honestly, the dogs were the only ones I felt very bad about. The only regret about the skunk was that it whizzed a big stench on my car just prior to meeting its Waterloo. I figure I won because the stench eventually wore off, but the skunk stayed dead.

Back to the raccoon. Those suckers are big. Bigger than one might imagine. It made enough noise that you would have thought I was going over a Shetland pony or maybe even a Clydesdale. I dunno. At any rate, it was unfortunate, but by the time I got home I had about forgotten the incident. That is until I got out of the car and saw the damage to the grill and bumper of my car. Stupid raccoon. If I had known about the damage I would have backed up and hit it again.

Geez, I hope I never hit a deer or an elk or a moose or a cow or a horse. I'll bet they really go bump.

People not like the rest of us...

I sat through an all-day meeting yesterday. Lots of usual meeting stuff: charts, graphs, PowerPoint presentations, muffins, apple juice, etc.

One of the participants in the meeting was a guy we will call William (also happens to be his real name). William is a big 47 year old guy, who probably lifts a lot of weights. Maybe 6'4" and 274 pounds. I know he weighs 274 pounds because he told me. William's favorite topic of discussion is William.

At the beginning of the meeting William, with a very small amount of coaxing from another meeting participant, was persuaded to show pictures of himself and his wife on a recent trip to Las Vegas. No big deal, right? Lots of people go to Vegas and lots of people have their photos taken while they are there. This is where William separates himself from the herd.

The pictures were of William and his wife walking down Fremont Street in Las Vegas. William was dressed as Hulk Hogan. Yep, Hulk Hogan. The wrestler. Wearing a speedo, a fake white moustache, a white wig, and sunglasses. His wife was wearing a bikini. People were taking pictures of them.

On a cruise ship a year ago two passengers showed up at Karaoke night dressed as Jake and Elwood (John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd in the movie The Blues Brothers). Sunglasses, black hats, black jackets, etc. Kind of odd, since most participants don't wear a costume, they just get up mangle a song, and sit down. The next day we saw them in the buffet line...still dressed as Jake and Elwood. Saw them a couple of days later...still dressed as Jake and Elwood.

People not like the rest of us...

global warming...finally

Well, either my thermometer is on the fritz or...global warming finally arrived. If it's global warming, it's not a moment too soon 'cuz it's been dang cold around here this week.